Social Awkwardness Award goes to...

Since I was in elementary school I was really socially awkward all the way through high school, college and now. being picked on and sometimes being bullied didn't really help. I was always so reluctant to go strike up a conversation with anyone. but I sometimes did make efforts and surprisingly I made a couple of friends. the issue with me is that even if someone approaches me that I don;t quite know so well I get nervous and my voice goes really low tone and squeakily at times and when I respond no one can really hear me. when I talk to a group of people I get nervous too and I start talking really fast and sometimes I stutter and the worst is when I can't trace my though process that I stop in mid sentence so I can gather my thoughts then I start feeling embarrassed and I feel that everyone notices and feel that they are staring blankly. I been in social situation where at a party I might just be in the corner like a wallflower just drinking and keeping it all to myself I might talk to someone if they seem nice, when I'm drunk I'm very social but sober at a party I feel that I make others feel uncomfortable even if I am hosting the party although I have thrown pretty successful basement parties that I am proud of.

Being a very shy girl makes me feel uncomfortable for being me. at work I am usually very quiet unless my friend is working the same day with me I would engage in some casual conversation and entertain her a bit but then I will go back to being quiet and pretending to do work even though it is clear the store is very quiet at times and there isn't a costumer in sight. I wish I knew what is wrong with me because at times I feel this is really abnormal to be this shy. I can understand having social anxiety but at times I really feel it is bad and I myself start to feel ill and just want to run away and hide sometimes I want to go away where no one else can ever find me. I am going to be 21 next month so I really have to make changes and be more social I think it will free me more to open opportunies for me. but then again what's wrong with just hiding I done pretty well so far.

A red flag in my heart

I Been awake laying in my bed and I was thinking of something that is bothering me but more confusing and unknown to me. I been in a relationship for two months now it's a fairly new relationship but we knew each other longer then that. we are a very progressive young couple and we have an understanding of each other and how we feel about certain ideas and issues for our new relationship and it's going swimmingly and I never have been this happy. Now I have a worry just one small worry which seems to start getting out of hand here and I felt if I didn't write this I will explode. let me start from where this started to be an issue. In the beginning of the relationship he was honest to tell me that he can never love me because he just cant go through this, he dealt with allot in the past so I understood and I wasn't sure what to think of it but nothing to anger me. eventually he told me that he does in fact love me which was great because I do too. so we both love each other and everything is fine and dandy. today which was 5 in the morning he was taking me home and on the ride to dropping me off home I mentioned to him that he told me why he cant love me and I went to ask how do you love me now. so he replied and I love that he was honest and I'm thankful he did and I will tell you later. he told me that he does love me but he does not"deeply" love or is "in love" with me. At that moment I processed that pretty well but I was not prepared because It saved me from crashing and burning to what I would potentially tell him. I don't know how to go about this without being too wordy or not wordy enough but I feel that I am falling for him, really hard like a sack of bricks falling to a concrete floor. now this is where it gets complicated. I have been in a relationship before so I'm not a nooby but I never was "in love" once I thought I was but I forced myself and I knew it was fabricated that I did realize it wasn't healthy and it didn't last and the worst part I didn't even love him its bad but the relationship lasted three years I'm not going to get into it because it wasn't a great relationship and it's the past a person that I'm not like I was. so this right here are real feelings I have for this guy and I never really experienced it and the fast that I think is happening to early makes me think is this real am I really In love or do I think that I feel that I am in love? because I think I know I am In love but thinking is the process before I actually know. Going back to where I was before after he told me this inside of me I heard a shattered glass and I was glad i did not tell him what I was going to say which would have been something in the lines of " So I been feeling this for a while now and I think that I am falling for you". If I actually told him that how hilarious would the next scene of events be? it would either end the relationship their or really make a huge dramatic pause that a new can of warms would be open and the damn lid will not close. I stayed quiet for the rest of the car ride home. he dropped me off i went in and changed and laid in bed. It made me think what now? am I really in love, or is it a delusion? should I tell him what I am feeling maybe he can help me out or would that be a bad idea. I would like if anyone can shed some light on this? what should I do?. I think it will take time before I know for sure if I;m in love or not I need time to actually figure it out but all I know is that I love him more then anything, when he kisses me I get tingles through out my body and shivers down my spine, when I'm in his arms I fell so safe and calm, from the time we first went out to this day i still get butterfly s, when I see him and I cant stop my smiling, And I never have felt as if my existence ever mattered as it does now and so much more that I can go on and on but I have to wrap this up or I am going to slip into a coma, I haven't slept and I need to lay down and to end this I need to go feed my cat because it is 7 am and she is giving me angry looks. so if anyone has any advice or anything to say I would appreciate your help.

Nomadic travelers and Gypsies

I recently been watching this show on TLC called "My Big Fat Gypsie Wedding" and I find the whole elaborate and over the top weddings and the huge and  storybook gowns so enchanting. although all the glits and glamour is attractive the lifestyle is not so fairtytale like.I am not here to discuss about the that though because I don't feel like being too serious and since I haven't done extended research about their lifestyle I am not in the position to fully debate my opinions and feelings about the lifestyle of being a gypsie. all I can say is that i find it intriguing and I wouldn't mind learning more about it. although I do not agree with some of the traditions and the female roles in the lifestyle. what I like is the way how the females have the freedom to dress any any unique and ridiculous way she chooses and their don't have to be considered promiscuous because when a female is seem showing a bit too much skin they would be considered a hooker. I don't dress thus way I don't really show allot of skin when I dress I have a fashion rule I live on and for the most part I follow it sadly I have broken it a few times but honestly I have days where I'm not dressed to kill anywho I don't want to get off topic so moving on.
                 I have been thinking allot about this and I think I would have liked to be a traveling nomad. not having a specific place to call home is not the best of ideas but what I see as a positive is that I can learn and explore the wold or at least the country since I probably would not feel save traveling over seas very quickly. I would make a great nomad because I always have the urge to not be in one place for long I hate feeling tied down to one place and the fact that I never feel I am home yet I don't think i found home. so if I travel around I might find myself a home somewhere and if it's not a specific house, place town or any lot I will be okay to be able to find home within myself because I want to find that comfort where something is just mine and my own safe sanctuary so someday I hope I find it until then I cant stay in one place. now doing this wont be easy and maybe it wont happen but I hope I get the chance to travel around this country and maybe find what I am looking for. I would also love if I get to do this with someone by my side because i do fear being alone and I want to share this journey in my life with someone who maybe might as well need this journey for themselves for whatever personal reason they need it. so until that day comes where I can be able to go on a road trip and feel like a nomad I can always dream and landscape a plan in my head of how this could possibly work out without any flaws to ruin the one thing I hope I get to do before my journey in life will be over because in the end we never know when we are gonna go to the great whole in the ground.

Starting A Blog

It's been a while since I had a blog, and I had deleted it a long time ago at some journal website i don't really remember, also I was around 14 so I don't think their was anything of interest I Possibly had written about. Maybe about the crushes I had each month or the lack of friends and how I hated myself and posted my shitty poetry which at the time i got into writing. So anyways I feel I am starting my life fresh and new with the whole blogging thing and as well as my life has had a couple of changes and recently I am in the process of  finding myself and growing and finding self value, their have been events that lead me to where I am trying to start now.

    My life Currently is not going accord to plan. I don't think I had a precise plan which is a bad habit of, I don't do plans I never work them through. So now I'm out of school (again) trying to find a job so I can pay off the school and loans in order for me to get my certificate and transcripts but I cant get the job I went to school for because I don't have the transcripts so I'm stuck in a gab that doesn't really give me any moving space but I got some new leads I can call them up and see if they are in need of a massage therapist and send them my resume. I did not seem to previously mention that I was at a massage therapy academy I finished the first part of the program pretty well the second part I had to drop off it wasn't really working out well for me so now I am currently nowhere as far as school and work is. which is like a step back for myself since I had dropped out of college  and I was jobless as well...very lovely by the way =)  Not everything is all bad though I have a new relationship which is odd but pretty good it's so progressive that even I don't know what it means and that's what makes it work. so I don't remember what was the point of this blog other then having a first post on my new blog. and I think first posts are usually ewither very good or boring mine is probably lacking something but I have no idea what to write about so yeah.....this will get better i promise if not then I guess no one will bother to read my blogs and I well just be posting things for myself to read when I'm old and lonely so I might forget that this is me and think I'm reading a very boring story...so far so good success at my lowest XD