Social Awkwardness Award goes to...

Since I was in elementary school I was really socially awkward all the way through high school, college and now. being picked on and sometimes being bullied didn't really help. I was always so reluctant to go strike up a conversation with anyone. but I sometimes did make efforts and surprisingly I made a couple of friends. the issue with me is that even if someone approaches me that I don;t quite know so well I get nervous and my voice goes really low tone and squeakily at times and when I respond no one can really hear me. when I talk to a group of people I get nervous too and I start talking really fast and sometimes I stutter and the worst is when I can't trace my though process that I stop in mid sentence so I can gather my thoughts then I start feeling embarrassed and I feel that everyone notices and feel that they are staring blankly. I been in social situation where at a party I might just be in the corner like a wallflower just drinking and keeping it all to myself I might talk to someone if they seem nice, when I'm drunk I'm very social but sober at a party I feel that I make others feel uncomfortable even if I am hosting the party although I have thrown pretty successful basement parties that I am proud of.

Being a very shy girl makes me feel uncomfortable for being me. at work I am usually very quiet unless my friend is working the same day with me I would engage in some casual conversation and entertain her a bit but then I will go back to being quiet and pretending to do work even though it is clear the store is very quiet at times and there isn't a costumer in sight. I wish I knew what is wrong with me because at times I feel this is really abnormal to be this shy. I can understand having social anxiety but at times I really feel it is bad and I myself start to feel ill and just want to run away and hide sometimes I want to go away where no one else can ever find me. I am going to be 21 next month so I really have to make changes and be more social I think it will free me more to open opportunies for me. but then again what's wrong with just hiding I done pretty well so far.